My own worst enemy

I sat awake in my bed a long time last night and couldn't quiet my mind. I've had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) since I can remember. I've only been diagnosed and on meds
for about 6 years, but was always uptight and "organized" as a kid. Lately I feel like it's eating me alive! I can't distinguish where Holly starts and OCD ends. I'm on high doses of medication for it (update: the meds WERE what caused me to gain weight. People gain a lot of weight on doses that were only 1/10 of what i was taking. Recently my doctor switched my meds, so fingers crossed that it works. This weight drama has been so long that it seems impossible that i will ever lose it again. still dieting and exercising though...) Anyways...I kind of had a break down last night and definitely feel like I'm suffocating. The older I get and busier life gets, my OCD gets worse. The meds definitely help take the edge off of my anxiety, but lately i feel alone and a little crazy. My mind is tired, my heart is tired, and my body is tired. And I'm only 30!!! I just don't know how else to be. OCD is a huge part of who I am: my decorations are up perfectly, my house is constantly spotless, my kids are well behaved and never dirty, laundry and bath schedules are never derailed, and I always have at least 3 lists that I am a slave to constantly. Exhausted yet?! If i don't live this way I am depressed and feel useless and worthless. It effects everything! I don't have friends...What I mean by that is life passes me by.
I don't hang out or do anything fun. It just takes my productive time away (after this post i realize that i sound like a downer anyways...not high on the list of friend must-haves). Sleep is almost non-existent, maybe 5 hours on a good night. I'm a grouchy ,on edge mom that lives with the guilt of stealing fun and spontaneous moments away from my kids. Luckily Jared is a saint (mostly) and we have a happy marriage, but i know the crazier i get the harder it is on him. I just know that some day when I'm gone all my anal diligence won't matter, but will amount to a huge amount of wasted time...at my funeral: "Wow our mom was the best! Never were our fingernails left long and jagged. She had it all together!"...Not happening...It even effects my church attendance because I go non-stop for 6 days without much sleep and then by Sunday my body is maxed out and i get sick. Basically I'm a hot mess :). I know i need to lean on the lord more, but beyond that, I'm really stuck. Then i feel bad burdening all my peeps out there with many of these intense blogs, but that's how i roll. The negative and incessant worrying comes withe territory of OCD. Sometimes i think i just need to get rich like Madonna so i can pay people to worry and focus solely on enjoying my life and family. One can dream!